"heart... flesh out your webs"

This past month included the most emotional couple of weeks I remember in a really long time.
Mostly in reference to the children I call my own. I've lost track of the count of stories I've heard of my kids going home to something less than pleasant. Tales of some level of physical abuse, having to decide between parents, not feeling safe in their parent's love, abandonment, heartache.... things children should not experience EVER... they aren't even confident enough in themselves to let it some of it slide...they don't understand the love of a heavenly Father who covers the aftermath in grace.

I had two six year old boys nearly crying on my lap last week over their daddies. Their lack of love they feel from their dad or the fact that they don't remember a time when their dad wasn't in jail or the fact that they feared their parent's wrath when they got home that night because they messed up.

My heart completely shattered in pieces both times.

I wanted to sit there and just start crying... but I felt the need to hold it together for them.
Why? I should've sat there and held them and cried with them.

I did get the opportunity to tell them how much Jesus loved them and they had a heavenly daddy that would always love them... no matter how much they messed up.
I tried to make them sure of my love for them.

These past couple of weeks my heart has been pulled in so many directions with my kids...

I have a little girl that feels like her mom is mad at her all the time... who comes crying to me in her moments of doubt.
I have countless kids who don't know where they belong in their families.
I have a growing boy who doesn't have enough food at home.
I think I have about 30 boys or more without dads at home to lead them.
I have a girl who just wants to be accepted but is met with anger and disapproving glances.
I have a boy who doesn't want to let too much slip about his mom's threats.
I have kids abandoned by the ones who birthed them.
I have a boy too young to take care of himself, that watches his two younger brothers alone.

Every time I hear one of those tails from the kids who hold my heart... It breaks me down a little more.
I'm completely shattered lately. I don't know how to pick up the pieces.
How do I make sure these kids know they are loved by the most high God?
How do I make them sure of my love and confidence in them?
I do my best.... but it seem like so little.

Those kids are a piece of me.
When they cry, my heart crumbles.
When they are happy, my heart soars.

Unfortunately lately... it's more of the former.

But then God reminds me that I can share with them bits of my life.
Tell them that they are important and loved regardless of the situations they find themselves in.
I know that some of the stuff I went through as a child was for a purpose and I can find hope and rest in that.
I can share that with them. I can relate to them in some of their trials.
God can wrap them in His arms like He did me... I don't have to do anything.
God can do it all... make them feel all the love in the world without me.
I know I'm in their lives for a reason though.... so I love them with the love that's been given to me.
I do all that I can to show them that there is hope and love and that Jesus cares for them even more than I can.

It's hard. SO HARD.
I just want to scoop those babies up and take them home and give them a life of love...
Tears are running down my cheeks even as I type these words.
Because I would. All of them... every one of them... I'd make them mine for real.

Until that is possible.
I will continue to share the hope he has given me and the life he has made me for... no matter how heartbreaking it may be sometimes... those sweet children are worth every bit of it.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing this, Emily. What a beautiful picture of Christ's love for us:

    "Now that we know what we have—Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God—let’s not let it slip through our fingers. We don’t have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He’s been through weakness and testing, experienced it all—all but the sin. So let’s walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." (Hebrews 4:14-16 The Message)

    Praying for you as you continue to work on the front lines loving these children, especially during this season.

    Xo. Liz H.


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